Matt & Kim

I have an pretty ridiculous obsession with the band Matt & Kim. Seriously, their album Grand makes me pumped even when it's 17 degrees (!!!?!) and I'm crammed on the subway between a homeless person and a hot business man all the while spilling my coffee down my sleeve. It's just good stuff.

So, long story short, I'm back. I got dumped. Dumped is such a strong word, especially considering the minimal span of dating time with this gent, but none the less my ego was bruised. It turns out he was in fact crazy, and I say that only slightly biased/bitter, and that I dodged a serious bullet. It's hard to believe the "things happen for a reason" mantra immediately following someone telling you you're perfect for them and that they adore, but that they're seeing someone else. These are probably details he wouldn't like shared, but sadly for him I don't give a fuck.

Also, I have a potty mouth. I always have. Well, maybe not ALWAYS, but as of the last few years I definitely throw around the f-bomb and other equally as crude words. Living here in the land of fucks and shits hasn't inclined me to edit myself in the least. These are just facts.

I have to get it together. I have put in maybe 35% this semester. I know we're only headed into week 3, but getting behind in this stuff will make you drown and I really can't do that. Drown? Drowned? Either way, I'm not doing it! Drowning that is...

This coffee is motivating me a little.

Last night was pretty awesome. Ash, D and I went to see Eden in a little play and then we got drinks and danced our asses off until 4 am. New York bars stay open ridiculously late. No one should be drinking until 4 am. We definitely did though.

So now I'm fighting against a lack of motivation and minimal brain cells. This should be a productive day...

Waiting in this area.

With some sweet white kicks. In case you ever wondered who wears butt-
white leather Keds besides women over 65, we nurses rock them.

Stir It Up

I have an unsettled feeling in my stomach. I'm feeling a little more
cynical and darker than usual. It's just frustrating giving anyone any
kind of power. Power isn't the right word, but I've been at a loss for
words all day.

My stars are raised. The stars on my shoulder. That usually means
something is wrong. I don't feel 100%. I had tonsillitis the second
day of school and I'm thinking that's about gone. Not sure what's up.

I don't get to sleep in tomorrow and that's upsetting. I miss my cat.
She never let's me down. Unless I somehow let her down and she pisses
on the bathroom rug. That sucks.

Just talked to my Mom. I haven't laughed that hard in a few days. I
miss her too. She thankfully doesn't piss on the bathroom rug.

Rug? Mat?

For the record, I wouldn't mind marrying a surgeon and living in Park
Slope with our 2.5 children. It is beautiful there. A nice place to
work, but never afford to live.

Why do I constantly live in the future? It's a little shinier than
present.

Sent from my amazing iPhone!

Photoless

So I've returned... I reside, once again in New York City, in Union Square specifically. I wonder how many randoms stumble upon my blog. Very few if I had to guess...

I've been back a week today and this has been a nonstop 7 days. I returned to find Eden in my room (my suite-mate) with her boyfriend. She has really opened up with me and the other girls. She joins in on conversations and shares personal things about herself and my favorite part, she asks for advice. I like feeling like the knowledgeable older friend. It so rarely happens as most of my friends are technically older than I am and usually wiser.

Unpacking and settling in ensued and I have to say I immediately felt comfortable. It's just so weird to think of this place 6 months ago and how scary and foreign it felt and now how comforting and familiar it is... that includes the boisterous crowded streets below. I don't know how my beautiful amazing friends back home will take this, but since my return I think I am twice as in love with New York as I was when I left.

Home was great. It was exactly as I had planned on and I can't enjoy anything more than a plan going as scheduled. I saw lots of movies, caught up with most of my good friends, ate better healthier food in-turn losing weight, and I slept like a baby every night snuggled up with sweet Susanna. I had this looming fist in the pit of my stomach that I knew I had to come back here and continue with this daunting program, so that ruined a few evenings but was also to be expected.

I finally cracked a book. Ash and I studied some Adult health, eyes, ears, and integumentary stuff on Friday and last night I opened my maternity book. This semester will be absolute madness, but I think the curriculum will be great. I'm also taking a Professional Nursing course, which so far all we've discussed is Health Care reform and the current insurance and government programing fiasco and I'm really excited to finally have these things laid out clearly for me so I can speak to them.

The shopping begins. I bought some shoes yesterday that I am now having buyers remorse about and will likely return them soon. The weather really is bearable (knock on wood) but cute flats without socks are still not an option.

I had my first maternity clinical on Friday. There were some frustrating administrative things to take deep breaths about but besides that I had an amazing day. I witnessed, in the operating room, a c-section. It was insaaaaaane. It was more than I can describe. Watching truly skilled doctors and nurses do their thing, watching an anesthesiologist poke this poor girl over and over, a long incision, more fluids than you can wrap your head around, the smells, and there she was, a sweet baby girl. My teacher was describing the birthing process and the emotions in the room and that you are at one moment a group of 5 and then there are 6. It's just unbelievable. I almost cried, but I held it together not to miss a beat. This event made me even more confident I want to work in the OR at some point in my career. Also, this experience made me realize that "opting" for a c-section, which so many people do now, is not really a "better" choice. It's still brutal. BRUTAL.

I should get off of here and crack another book. My Dad is coming into town tonight for business so we're going to get dinner and catch up. I love my Dad. We don't get a lot of father daughter time anymore. These are the times I really try to remember.

Sorry for the delay of this post. I'll try some more mobile posts via my phone soon. Those are always fun.

Whoa.

I'm back. School started today. Had an exam at 8am and got a 95. BAM.

New boy in the mix. His name is Thom and he's cute. :)

Updates to come.

Ashley's Birthday!

NYC girls in SF.

Presh!

This lady almost got eaten last night by something scary and snarling.
I had to lock her in the house for fear that it was a jumping coyote!
Seriously, it'd be difficult to get to our upper floor back porch, but
there is a fence that could be scaled and I take no chances with my
Duece Soos. You think I could put her in my carry on? I'm sure my
roommates wouldn't mind...

Mmmm...

Mama made lunch. We went to the gym too. Healthy day!

Whenever, Wherever

It's twenty-ten. I like that pronunciation the best.


I'm feeling a little less than sharp, but I wanted to check in. I feel like I don't really have an audience so much as I'm checking in with myself, the self that will reread this in a couple of years, or months, just to see where I was/am.

This Christmas was meager in the presents department and I'm totally okay with that. I was surrounded by friends, family, and my Sass so the world was right.

New Years was calm and not belligerent, hopefully a good indication of the year to come. I couldn't solidify any resolutions that I thought appropriate to share, but there are definitely some goals I have that I plan on achieving in 2010. That's twenty-ten.

I will not only be successful in school, I will thrive in my new knowledge and become an incredible nurse.



I will enjoy New York City. I will not just exist there, I will live it everyday. I will not come to a decision about whether I am staying or not until the end. I will keep this decision to myself and decide alone.

I will love everyone I have in my life. If I don't love them, they don't belong. That sounds harsher than I mean, but I simply won't have time to mend or force any type of relationship in 2010. You shouldn't either.

I will not be so self-righteous. I will be more accepting and cut back on the preaching. This also means I will not be as critical of other's lives. This is something that comes with maturity and self-confidence and I'd really like to achieve greater of both.

Last year was an amazing year for me. I made some decisions I never thought I'd have the guts to make as well as accomplished goals I really started to doubt I could. I am proud of my 2009-self and I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm home. Being away from my Mom is the toughest part of being in New York. If I stay for longer than this next year, the trips home will have to increase exponentially or she will just have to pack it up and join me. I just can't be in this life without her.



She's making some delicious dinner for us, I'm about to make (or a sad attempt at) a fire, and then we're having our Christmas.

Happy New Year everyone!

This face is too much.

I haven't posted in a while. I'm home. I was sick and now I'm feeling better. I'm relaxing. I made straight As (!!!!). I am happy to report not a lot has happened. I mean, quite a lot has happened since I left and I'm just catching up, but it doesn't seem blog-worthy... at least not tonight anyway.

It's snowing!!!

This is exciting because it's actually snowing and not just sleeting
AND I get to leave it in 1.5 days. I actually felt really excited and
pleased and proud that I live in New York city earlier today. With all
this moping around, missing friends, and being sick, I had almost
forgotten how much I'm enjoying this city. That Alicia Keys/Kanye song
is really fitting.

Late night noise.

Lying in bed. Took a caffeine pill earlier to get some work done and
now here I am wasting time not sleeping or studying.
Thoughts at night are always the strangest. I've thought of Brit over
and over and how sweet she was and how many good times we all had with
her.

I've thought of domestic life. Of the stage I so eagerly wait for that
seems to never start. I use the term domestic to mean the nesting,
serious boyfriend, steady job stage in life. I'm not there yet. If I
were, I'd already be. If that isn't the obvious statement of the
year... But Im just implying that I generally accomplish what I set
out to do and haven't put forth enough effort to be "there."

Oh the ramblings of someone who's Tylonel PM hasn't kicked in enough
to put them to sleep but has altered their thought processes slightly.

The sirens really bothered me today. More than they usually do. They
irritated me to the point where I felt a little panicked. I have
earbuds and loud music but even that doesn't drowned them all out. I
am so ready for the peace and quiet of Marin.
I cannot wait to see my Sass cat!!!

I'm not sure blogging was such a good idea. I'm writing this from my
phone while in bed. I was hoping it'd settle my thoughts more than
stir them up.

Old friends are the best. The ones that can travel with you through
life changes. My old roommates are some my best friends and I'm so
lucky they decide to keep me in their thoughts.

Alright, now I've got to go to the bathroom. Maybe i'll urinate some
of this caffeine out and I'll fall right to sleep upon my return. TMI?
Too bad. Welcome to the mind of a nurse. Bodily functions are just the
beginning.

She made it!

Moms are the best. Christmas lights are pretty fun too.

Nails did.

I spoil myself sometimes. Okay, more than sometimes, but I rarely get my nails done.

More excitingly, my Mom bought last minute tickets and is flying in tomorrow!!! I'm so excited!

“The whole is more than the sum of its parts.”

Aristole.

I'm more fond of “The whole is simpler than the sum of its parts”- Willard Gibbs

Gibbs was a mathematician more than a philosopher. I'm enjoying scientifically based ideas more than theoretical, as of late. That couldn't have anything to do with my current course of study!

A few minutes ago I choked on Raisin Bran and then coughed and coughed, and now I have a headache. I was planning on philosophizing about the parts of my whole but now I just feel like watching Grey's Anatomy and going to bed.

Family, blood specific, is an interesting construct. Sometimes you realize just how much you can attribute to genetics, especially when you're learning how important a patient's family health history is, and also when you get to spend 4 straight days with some of your genetics. Other times, you can't figure out where you came from and how you turned out the way you are, and you realize nurture has a lot to do with it. It's different if you're raised by one person mostly. You can find clear, identifiable, cause and effect rationale for why you are the way you are. When most of your family didn't get to see the everyday stuff, and still doesn't get to see it, it's hard to find the connection. Blood. Genes. The ultimate connection?

Things are better here. I'm feeling more of a connection and sense of place. Just knowing that there are people in this city, other than my roommates, that know I exist and care whether I stay or go is reassuring. Also, being told over and over, by different random people, things like, "If you aren't feeling tortured at this point, you're doing ok," in reference to adjusting to life here, is making me feel normal. I don't know why I thought, or even if I did think, it would be an easy adjustment living here. Moving is a terrible, beast of a chore that I don't think anyone can ever get used to. You can cope and learn how to deal with it more easily with experience, I'm positive of that, but the act of leaving and embracing change just isn't easy.

Really, I did not want to make this blog about my "adjusting"... talk about beating a dead horse, but apparently it just always seems to come up.

Nothing else to say. It's Monday. The guy at the coffee shop that I go to a couple times a week recognized me this morning. You can tell when someone looks at you and sees you, and not just as a stranger. That means something, doesn't it?

A little mark on NYC. That's what I am!

70th Floor!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Outside my window.

So, maybe I'm supposed to be studying and instead I'm daydreaming out
my window. What's your point?

Fave-reds.

Today was an oddly good day. I had two sets of plans that both fell through so I ended up studying for 6 hours in a cafe. I have to admit it wasn't 6 hours straight through, D was with me so we had chat breaks.

I've felt wanted this entire weekend and I think that is contributing to my light mood. Whether it was texts or phone calls or random emails, I've felt very included and loved. It's funny how easily I can feel loved. Someone shows me 5 seconds of a smile, a word, or even just an assumed thought makes my night. That's a lot of power in other people's hands. That seems dangerous.

Jen sent me a card that reads, "If you want to get technical, Vodka is practically a health drink if you just call it potato juice." Hahaha... if only that potato juice didn't make my brain hurt so much the next morning/day.

It was an interesting night last night. I'm not going to get into it because there are so many details that need some explaining in order for it not to sound like I was perusing with a married man and I just don't have time (energy) to explain.

That paragraph is one hell-of-a teaser. It really wasn't that exciting.

My brain is fried.

I don't know why I didn't major in acting...

...We're successfully imitating the lady on the door wouldn't you say? Hah.

Us in the subway.

At 3am.

Vivid.

Just a short little blog before I really get it going today. I'm drinking Hazelnut coffee and feeling pretty good. I need to get my brain collected and focused on school. I'm running down hill at this point and I don't want to fall.

Not gonna lie, that last sentence was lamely metaphorical but I think it really applies.

I had a dream about a boy I hardly know. He lives here but he's from the Bay Area. I honestly couldn't even tell you his last name, what he does for a living, or anything but I love how my brain will choose some random person to be the star of my dream. He was pushing me around in a shopping cart. I would read into it but I am confident it was purely random.

There are fruit flies in our house because we brought home a friend a few days ago named Junior.

So Junior attracted some flies and has since been kicked out of the house. A bartender at a hotel bar made this little fellow. It seemed like a good idea at the time to bring him home and leave him on our microwave.

We're all delusional at this point. I'm not kidding.
I just read an article the other day that said 81% of New Yorkers suffer from depression or something like that. I just tried to find the article because a fact without a source isn't really a fact at all but I couldn't find it. So, nevermind.

I found socks that don't ride down when I wear my boots! So I will wear those socks and those boots today. It looks pretty gloomy, a perfect day to study Fundamentals.

Oh by the way, I had an awesome day in the hospital yesterday. My confidence is increasing exponentially! I won't include the gory details, but I will say I love my clinicals and I am so excited to get done with school and be a nurse. I can't wait to BE.

Last note, it just started raining! This makes me happy because studying will be that much more productive.

Okay, fingers crossed about that one...

Mortality.

I lost a friend today.
A girl in my program.
Why did she get sick and I didn't?
Is mortalizing a word?
That's what today is.

Hotcold.

I feel inclined to write those two words as one. The feelings bounce so quickly and extremely that I can't seem to separate them. Having a weekend where I was able to socialize with some other bay area transplants really helped my confusion. I don't feel any less confused, I just feel that my confusion is normal and that I am far from alone in that feeling.

I just feel something in my gut telling me I need to try and make it here. I mean, really give it a good try. It helps to know that my mom could move here at some point and makes things are little more familial. I have no idea if the second I graduate I will be on a plane back "home" or not. Not being able to anticipate... plan.. is terrifying. I don't know why I feel the need to make final decisions before I even get near a bridge, let alone cross it. I need to calm down.

I think I drank too much this weekend. Or maybe it's just been a really long time. A long time away. No one has visited. It's been 3 months. Christmas can't get here fast enough. Then I'll be ready for another few month stint. I think the visits will help. I've been told they'll help.

I don't like writing these blogs. I don't want anyone to worry. It's not bad. It's not lonely or depressing, it's just intense. It's just a transition. Inherent to the word, transitions aren't simple. I love it here. The energy and buzz and the unexplainable feeling you get when you walk around and you live. I'm just trying to live.

Something changes at 6 months. Again at a year. And a year and a half. I'm told you stop thinking about leaving every two months. I'm told.

I absolutely have to stop filling my voids with shoes, clothes, and food.



With that said, I just bought a plant.

Cheers to another week.

5 weeks and I'm home. Merry Christmas!

A few weeks ago...

At some random hotel bar.

Oh, hello there sweet kitten on that guys head!

Only in New York?

Shuqueen Resumes.

Okay, so I may have spent some cash this weekend on shoes. Three pairs of shoes, actually. A pair of semi-heels, flat, and boots. All different so all well deserved? Sure!

I was in the middle of writing a paper when I got distracted and needed a snack. My brain is a little fried so it's making my creativity faultier. I'm listening to Air in both ears (the band, not the stuff you breathe) and it's calming me. I don't always notice the sirens but once I start noticing them they seem to never stop. There's a firehouse around the block so I'm sure they come from there a lot but there's also a hospital around the corner that ambulances are in and out of all day. Minor details of my life.

I accidentally bought watermelon gummy vitamins instead of fruit flavor. I despise artificial watermelon flavor almost as much as I do grape. Must bring those back tomorrow.

Today in simulation lab I learned how to clean and suction tracheotomies, amongst other exciting secretions in the body.

I started this post last night and now it's noon the next day. Ashley and I were determined to find a Friends' clip and that took us late into the night.

It's drizzling and 46 degrees outside. Ouch. So tempting to crawl back into this cozy bed next to me...

Precious niece and nephew.

The biggest nephew isn't pictured. I sent them a picture of me in my Mario costume and they loved it!

The night is young, I'm blacking out, but it's been fun.

Halloween was a lot of fun. I grew some metaphorical balls and talked to cute boys and subsequently felt that the night was a success. When did my life turn into this game? I don't consider all days/nights successful because I get hit on by cute boys but it definitely doesn't hurt.

And here we are, back to Monday. It's November and I think I'm finally done with all my midterms, which means we're headed downhill to the end!

I'm feeling like this blog is terribly dull. I don't write very eloquently and what I do say isn't all that profound or interesting. I guess that's the best part of a blog, no one and everyone can read it.

Things exciting to me right now:
the delicious delivery sushi I got last night
the cute outfits I wear because I live in NY and you can never be overdressed
how well my mario outfit went over
the salad I'm about to walk and get for dinner
the two grey's episodes I watched last night that were SO good

Things I'm not stoked about right now:
never having any time alone, thanks to my new roommate
being chubby and feeling uncomfortable about it
missing my friends, family, and Sass cat
the wind down the avenues that pierces through your clothes and goes straight to your bones
vacation not being for two more months

Emily/Mario has the weekend off.

You never know until you know.

"i think seeing someone at 7am is all telling
or seeing someone hung over, or stressed out, that's who they really are"- me to my mom regarding dating/roommates/people in general.

A salty message written in the East.

I listen to Vampire Weekend a lot. For some reason they pick me up, or at least lighten my mood ever so slightly, that I keep going back to them over and over.

This weekend was tough. I know I'm being hormotional, but just because you know WHY you're getting upset and being so sensitive doesn't make it any better. I just feel alone and the people I do have around me I'm not feeling that "comfort" I need with. I'm not going to get into it right this second because I am feeling a little at ease so why stir up the emotions I've stifled all day just to explain them in a blog.

I got an A on the exam I took last Friday. I studied my ass off so I'm proud and relieved. I also went to a 'dual-degree' info session on Friday and decided I'm not ready for my Master's. I know I will want it eventually and since they're ushering in a doctorate requirement for nurse practitioners I thought maybe I should get it sooner than later but what skill am I mastering when I haven't even established any skills yet? It just seems a little early, so I'm relieved to have that out of the back of my mind so now I can focus on the present task at hand... which is an incredibly daunting task if I must say so. I'm so happy I'm enjoying the curriculum. SO happy about that...

This blog entry is feeling a little incoherent and definitely not grammatically correct, and even though I'm aware of the flaws, I'm embracing them tonight.

I got a haircut, a much needed haircut, and it's cute.

I want new glasses. I think I'm going to ask for new ones for Christmas. These people here are just so hipster and cute I can't keep up! I think some new spectacles will help though.

I want to be in love so badly it actually hurts a little. That's a bit of an exaggeration but it feels like that sometimes. Okay, so maybe I sway a little to the bitter side of the world naturally but lately it's a little ridiculous how angry I get when I see happy couples on Sunday mornings walking their cute dogs. It's an envy that feels uncomfortable and I wish it would go away. All it takes is someone telling me their relationship "drama" for me to remember that I don't have time or energy to put into another person right now. It just takes one sobbing roommate, one overheard fight walking down the street, one reality show, to remind me that I'm not really missing out all that much. Or so I will keep telling myself.

Oh I don't think I mentioned on here that I got a roommate! Her name is Eden and she was a complete surprise. So far she's been a pretty good addition to the house. She's very busy and appreciates silence. She's equally as messy as I am and goes to bed/wakes up roughly at the same time. What more could I ask for?

She likes to close my door and leave the window open. I don't like this so I open or close them respectively when she's not home. So far it's fine. Ugh, I can't wait to be a grown up.

I want an apartment of my own with my own furniture and my eclectic, somewhat country kitschy clutter everywhere, a space that is my very own. I'll have my Sass and it will be home. I can't wait to grow up. I've always wanted to and it seems like I'm the only that hasn't.

That's not true but seriously, could any more people get married/have babies that are my age or even younger? Grrr.

I'm totally ageist.

I'm also totally procrastinating. Off to study for another exam. Jealous?

80's fitness limo ride

I just spent 8 hours in the library studying. I'm making macaroni and cheese for dinner, and then I will resume my studying. I can't say it's a depressing life because this is what I've been waiting for, begging for, and now paying for but I will say it's not the funnest thing I've ever done.

I have a crush on a guy who works at a coffee shop. I love silly random insignificant crushes. Anything more at this point would be overwhelming and exhausting but that's not to say a real love interest wouldn't be nice. Timing is everything, and right now is not the time.

Yesterday I went on a limo scavenger hunt for a friend's birthday. A fleet of limousines leave all at once and it's a race to get all the things done before the 3 hour mark. We dressed in 80's fitness gear and it was a lot of fun. It kind of shot my braincells for a good part of the day but it was worth it.

Mmm...mac n' cheese...

Tea spot!

My mocs' are peeping. I love this place so much. Their teas are
amazing and you can sit here for hours and no one bothers you.
Unfortunately, they always have the AC on... Even though it's 55
degrees and windy outside. Anyway, back to reading. My first two exams are next week. Eeeeek.

Why is eating so glorious?

Tea spot drinking boba with D.

Purple loafers.

They seem to be much cuter in person than in this picture. Oh well, I like them. It was cold today. I felt that fall/winter wind and it got me a little nervous! This weather will be unimaginable. Excited to see it, terrified to feel it. These lovely loafers will not be cutting it soon enough. Pictures of my new boots to come. They should arrive this week. Just in time! Eek!

Anemic.

Yep, I'm convinced I have an iron deficiency. I can't explain my constant fatigue, insane bruising, endless headaches, and depression any other way. Oh, they could be because I'm missing home, my cat, stressed to hell with all this reading, lonely, and eating like a pig.

These sentences aren't coherent and I'm not apologizing for them.

On a better, lighter note, I bought cute new shoes yesterday, I made a delicious sandwich for dinner, and I wore a cute outfit to school today.

Picture of shoes to come.

If you know you know.

Writing a blog instead of reading. I'll get back to it in a minute, I just feel like I'm abandoning this blog and I don't want that. School is in full force. The reading is tremendous and the lectures are boring. The clinicals are incredible.

My teacher told me I was her hero. I'm not even exaggerating, those were her exact words. Lets just say I did some "dirty" work and I did it without flinching. I was/am really proud of myself.

I am confident I can master the skills, but acing the tests is another thing entirely.

I saw Peter Sarsgaard and Heather Graham today. I'm still hopelessly obsessed with celebrity gossip so the occasional siting really makes my day.



My brain is fried. I was reading for a bit and then I took out my stethoscope and just listened to my heart and lung sounds. It's so odd that I'm fascinated by that stuff now. Any sort of blemish or skin abrasion I get, I run to Ashley (my roommate) because she loves dermatology. I guess I would say if you're having an obstetric issue run to me! I really have no idea at this point what I'm in love with, but I just feel drawn to OB. So, my future specialty is TBD. How exciting!

And this made my morning: Single Babies

Frequent updates from coffee shops.

The reality of being back in school. Refraining from trying every
pastry in every coffee shop is becoming difficult.

I live in New York and I frequent all kinds of awesome little coffee
shops. My life is enviable.

My study area, ftw.

Coast to coast goulash.

I made my signature dish tonight. I made this all the time at home. I'm sure my mom misses this meal because it's delicious! My roommates thought it was healthy and warm.

It's raining outside and the wind is crazy. Broken umbrellas are scattered all over. My feet soaked up some of the rain because I couldn't bring myself to wear my rain boots even though I love them.

School is in full force now. It's Friday night and we're all in from the rain reading about skin integrity and wound care.

I have been living in New York City for 2 weeks. It feels more like 2 months, but not in a bad way.

My boxes are coming soon and I can't wait to get them open and smell home. I'm sure some of Sass made it into the boxes if I know her at all.

I was just explaining to Ashley that I want to put the kittens they sell out in Union Square in my mouth. Not literally of course, but they are just too precious and fragile to be out in the world.

Back to reading...

Baby Brit!

Don't let it form us.

Creature fear.

So I made it. Mom and I flew in and she stayed a few days, I got situated, and now she's gone and this has begun. I don't really feel like getting into detail about the emotions that have gone into this last week but I wanted to say that I'm alive and fine.

Better than fine, actually. I'm adjusting to my roommates nicely. They seem really sweet and genuine and I think we'll be friends as well as roommates. I've got almost all of my supplies so now the wait game has begun until Tuesday, when classes start. I have my books, scrubs, stethoscope, and lots of other scary items that come in a "Nurse Kit." I am really nervous about this program. You have to maintain a B- or better to continue and that is frightening. Even in classes I've tried my ass off in, I've made lower than that. I need to not let my fear get the best of me and I need to remember that this is a competition, with maybe just myself, but that I WILL do this.

I miss my cat. my friends. my mom.

I'm not uncomfortable and I haven't really gotten home SICK yet, but I definitely think of "home" fondly and get a little lump in my throat.

Diana (one of my two roommates) and I did some walking around today. We walked the entire width of Manhattan at 57th street. We were looking for the Sex and the City set... no luck, but we aren't giving up. Anyway, we took some pictures.





And last but not least, my room! Already feels like a sanctuary. Pillow and Baby make my bed the nest it needs to be.

24 hours.

I leave tomorrow night, in 24 hours.

Molly just left and now it's real.

Hawaii.

I have abandoned this blog as of late to freak out on my own. I guess it's time to check back in.

It's Monday and I leave on Friday and I have so much to do I just can't get myself off the couch. A debilitating amount of things to do. Really though, I need to wash all my linens, sort through my shoes, or everything in my closet, and start putting things in the suitcases. I keep bouncing from panic to relief. I panic and think, "Oh my god. I'm moving. I'm moving so far away from everyone I know. What am I doing? This is crazy. I am crazy." Then I sort of reel it in and think, "I am awesome. This is awesome. I am moving to New York City. The only unknown at this point is my school curriculum and even that I have an idea of." Anyway, this week will fly by and I will be on a plane and off to the East coast before I can even catch my breath.

I've had my going away party. Everyone showed up and I felt really special. I had a great time and I felt like most everyone else did too. I'm so happy it went well and now I have that wonderful recent memory to bring with me.

This week I have a Girl Dinner planned for Wednesday and lots of little errands in between.

Molly found me a date through her match.com account who lives in NYC. We've exchanged emails and it's silly and we're meeting once I get there and then maybe it will all fall apart, as many online dating experiences do.

So many feelings. I keep trying to sort them all out, rationalize them, and put them into neat little boxes. I'm having no luck so I think I will abandon my organizing and take them all at once, messy and complicated.

Lazy Tuesday.

Warp Speed.

It's August, I am a year older, and time is flying by.

Camping was absolutely amazing. I had so much fun. I laughed more than I have in a while and literally forgot what was happening in my life. This trip whisked me out of reality and into the woods.

And now we're into August and I'm getting nerves in my stomach that are undeniable. I go to bed thinking about leaving and I wake up thinking about leaving. I will have less than $1,000 a month to live on. To feed myself, get around the city, and just "live" on. That's not very much at all and I'm a little upset that I'm back to my Top Ramen days. I know how to live like a poor-man, I know how to eat cheaply, and not buy new clothes or go to nice restaurants. I will be so ready to have a job and a real paycheck after this program. 15 months!

I have this month detailed on my iCal. My days are numbered. Ahhhhhhh.

Freak out is imminent.

Union Square.

Honestly, I need to get back in school as soon as possible. I can hardly form fluid thoughts let alone spell correctly!

I got my bag! It's awesome and will be perfect for toting my life around in NYC.

In more exciting new, I found out where I will be living! My housing is in Union Square. Washington Square, where NYU and most of my classes are located, is about a ten minute walk away. I will be in an apartment style place with two bedrooms, four roommates, a living room, and even a kitchen! I am ecstatic. As far as I can tell I will NOT being sleeping in a bunk bed! I love that I know where my next nest will be. I can look at it on a map and see all the subway lines that pass nearby. I can get on google-maps and street view all around the area to see what I can expect. This new information should make things more "real" but right now, it all still feels like planning a vacation. Maybe I'm just realizing that 15 months is such a short amount of time and by the time school finishes and I finally feel settled, I could move back to the Bay.



Not to mention, lots of fun things are happening befor I move so I can't think about moving yet! I'm going camping this weekend, birthday dinner next week, and my Going Away party is pretty quick after that.



This is from camping last year...


Whoa. Time is flying.

Positive change.

My life recently has been compared to treading water; Nice but a little uncomfortable. I can see the island, poolside, boat, whatever image feels the best, in the distance and I know I'll make it but in the mean time, I'm getting tired.

This weekend is my birthday. We're going camping and I am absolutely ecstatic. I love camping. I haven't been "real" camping, without bathrooms in walking distance, but I'd really like to try that sometime. As long as I have fire, comfy clothes, good eats, and best friends I am in heaven. It should be great.

This is the bag my Pops is getting me for my birthday. It's the SF city grid. I love it.
Sass loves it too!

Today is one month to the day before my flight to NYC.

I still don't know where I'll be living, besides the obvious vague "student housing". I'll find out supposedly the first week in August. I think I'll find out my roommate then too...

From what I can remember, and that's not usually very much, I think a period goes inside of a quotation mark. It just looks so "uncomfortable." I feel like this looks "better".

I had a fantasy last night about directing and shooting a movie. It's thoughts like these that make me nervous about my chosen career. I will need many creative outlets in my personal life to keep me content because my professional life will give me little creative stimulation. Well, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised. It's all very unknown at this point, what my daily life will entail.

I'm headed to Dolores park in a few hours to meet Mike, Chris, and Jon. That should be nice to catch up with those guys.

My invites went out in the mail yesterday for my Going Away Party. I am almost painfully nervous about this party. I think I might be projecting some nerves about moving onto this party. I just hate the pressure that comes with hosting a party. I know that it will be a good time and I can't wait to see everyone but the thought of no one showing up, or people being there and bored, makes me nauseated.

It will be fun. People will show up. Don't drink too much. (This is what I keep telling myself.)

Today I got a new toilet.

Well, as I write this there's someone in my bathroom installing our new toilet. Apparently our other toilet was using too much water so now it is being replaced. Gotta love Marin! Don't get me wrong, I don't want to use more water than necessary, but I need to pee and well, he's still in there.

Being poor is an interesting way to live life. I am fortunate enough to have a paid roof over my head and other numerous bills covered by my generous parents but other than that, I don't spend/buy much. I can't even fathom being able to afford new clothes or shoes, or even better, buying things I don't "need" at all, like DVDs, concert tickets, flowers, haircuts, etc. etc. The thought of having a job, a paycheck that covers more than my credit card and car payments, is almost unimaginable at this point. It will happen again. I am absolutely certain of that, but it's been over a year since I've had a paying job and it will be over a year until I have another one. Noncontributing-member of society? Here.

I've stuck with the South Beach diet and passed my first goal! My jeans fit better, I have cheekbones again, and my stomach is flat-ish. I'm very proud of myself.

I hear him in there flushing the toilet so it has to be almost finished... got to go, got to go, got to go right now!

Bike ride to Sausalito.

In a weird mood today. Decided to go on a bike ride. Not sure if it's
helping or hurting. Both, probably. Feeling alone with so many people
around you is a really odd feeling.

Gonna miss this sweet face sleeping next to me every night.

4th of July

In Petaluma with Corrina and Bobby!

Happy wine hour!

They're different from you.

I just called the Housing Department and was greeted with a sad, slightly disgruntled employee. I was literally intimidated by her aloofness! I am just so excited and nervous to find out which building I will be living in, what type of room I will be assigned, and who my roommate will be! My mom was saying last night that this is a pretty big adventure. Packing my bags and getting on a plane, headed to one of the best cities in the world, not knowing where I'll unpack my bags or who will lying in the bed next to me. Never living in the dorms my first round in college is something I knew I would regret but also something I couldn't bring myself to do. So, here we go.

I am stirring around the house everyday trying to find things to do. I need to leave the house and go to cafes and museums and parks but it's been really difficult to find motivation. I just feel like I'm in a really odd head space and being a hermit in the house feels the most comfortable. I don't come naturally extroverted or outgoing, at least not in the last couple of years of unemployment isolation, and I know once I'm in NYC I will be forced out of my comfort zone so I am trying to bask in this summer of nesting time.

Heaven.

Tickets are purchased.

Airline tickets, that is. This will be the longest/shortest summer I've ever had.

Your ticket to a better night's sleep.

I've been using the mobile post feature for this blog more than actually writing entries. I really like that feature because I've always wanted a photo diary... this is just a combination.

My grandparents just left after a 10 day visit. Family dynamics and relationships are very interesting and I'm not surprised there are classes and majors and a zillion books dedicated to family relations. They are from a different time and place, and I do mean a VERY different time and place, which adds some stress to our situation but doesn't change our blood.

Summer has officially begun: my trips are finished, family visits are over, school is done, etc. etc. I am waiting patiently, trying to soak up every obligation-free day, until the end of August arrives and my bags are packed. NYU/NYC is becoming realer by the moment and I'm starting to get serious nerves. They're excited nerves and I have so much to fantasize about. I love having an imminent life change. I like change. There are certain types of change I enjoy more than others, but overall I like to switch it up now and then.

I met some girls in the city who are also in the ABSN program. Being with people who are on the exact same page was thrilling and as I mentioned, made things very real. They were so nice and excited and nervous, all with the same reservations and fears as me.

Ending a sentence in "me" feels weird.

I miss my writing classes. The girls I met are phych, graphic design, and liberal arts majors. We are all literally in the same boat. I love it and it makes me feel so much better. Right brained ladies moving into a left brained world.

Ahhhhh... writing this has gotten me nervous so I'm going to take a walk for quarters and to clear my mind.

Oh and my baby maker is seriously driving me nuts lately. Do they sell pharmaceuticals for women, who are looking to advance in their careers before they have the babies, that helps ease the pains of not carrying/loving/raising a child? UGH.

Papa and I on the porch in Mill Valley.

Sass loves the tub. That's new.