Change the effing battery already!

I don't think it happens everyday, even though it feels like an almost constant feeling. Gritting my teeth and taking a deep breath to avoid a seriously irrational outburst from frustration.

I constantly feel annoyed.

I'm annoyed that the battery in the fire alarm in the hall has been chirping for 2 weeks.

I'm annoyed that no one picks up their mail, so mine gets lost in a bottomless pile.

I'm annoyed my nose won't stop running and my bangs blow awkwardly in the wind.

I'm annoyed I'm fat and I can't stop stuffing my face and avoiding any kind of cardiovascular activity.

I'm annoyed by strangers who don't share the sidewalk, or hold a door, or participate in agreed upon social expectations like speaking at a reasonable volume and not littering.

Noise really bothers me. It always has and I know living in Union Square forced me to cope more, but I still loathe, what I deem, unnecessary noise. Alarms screaming that do nothing to "alarm" anyone of anything make my blood boil.

Make your blood boil? Aren't there bigger fish to fry than losing your shit over annoying sounds? No doubt there are, but I can't seem to prioritize my frustration and annoyance.

I feel duress or I don't. Black. White.

Good Morning, Christmas.

14min until the next Manhattan bound L. I finish getting ready for the day by putting on makeup while seated next to 3 assumed day laborers, though I thought construction workers even had off holidays. No seat on the train unless personal space is infringed, so I lean on the doors in front of the "Do not lean on door" sign. The A pulls up after only a few minutes and I step on, thankful to find a seat that I soon realize is above someone's up-chucked Christmas breakfast. I move to another seat slipping and nearly falling in orange juice someone certainly didn't intentionally spill.

It's Christmas day in the city.

Other early morning holiday commuters with their carry-on luggage, hurrying to some place where they're being eagerly awaited.

Here goes the self guilt trip I do so well: I would not be in this position if I did not put myself here. I chose to live far away from my family and chose to have a career that includes weekends and holidays. It is, in fact, what it is.

Today will be fine. We will have very sick people and emergent surgeries, all patients who don't have a choice about being in the hospital. Something about the lack of "elective" patients makes the day better. When you've elected a day to have your surgery, you're quite "in control" of your medical situation and probably going to be a pain in my ass.

Oh she's just so jaded. People electing to have their cancer removed when they wish, how could someone feel anything but sympathy for that person?

Oh, you'd be surprised at how particular your conscience can become about who to "feel" for. I try to keep my empathy to a select few, to avoid a serious breakdown.

This A train is a local. An express would have been a Christmas miracle and that just didn't happen this morning. However, I left a snoozing handsome man in my bed and two fat fuzzy kitties at home, eagerly awaiting MY return home from work. They might just be the only thing getting me through today.

Performances, moving.

Riding home from work on the A train. A ritual I don't loathe quite as much as riding to work on the A train. No performers on the train this trip. I shouldn't count them out yet though, I haven't passed Times Square or Penn station yet. Who will "entertain" us all on the way home: someone dancing, doing magic, singing, playing an instrument, collecting for the homeless, being homeless, affected by Sandy, having a streak of bad luck, or just plain begging.

She's so crass and cold. She doesn't see people in need. She sees annoyance after a long day during a long commute.

Being called an angel or a saint or a sweetheart doesn't make my job less painful. It certainly doesn't hurt, but it truly doesn't help. I just want to go through the motions. I want you to be as experienced playing the patient as I feel playing the nurse. I say my part, you reply accordingly, and we have a quick and thorough interaction. The end. No stories, or explanations, or family listening. Just you and I, finishing what needs to get done. Dare I say if the customer service aspect of hospitals was taken out of the equation, healthcare costs would not being nearly as catastrophic and nurse/physician retention would be much better. It's the "pleasing" that kills me. I will get you better using critical thinking and learned knowledge and skills. My personality shouldn't really have anything to do with it, outside of my personality developing my prioritization and judgement ability.

My job is physically taxing and emotionally toxic. I've got to figure out my next move before I lose myself entirely.

Pets.

There are a few different kind of pet owners in this world. I'm a torn owner who loves my pet(s) as if we shared DNA (yikes), but I also realize my limitations (financially, primarily) and that excessive testing and treatment aren't always in my or my pet's best interest.

With this being said, I caved into my Bruce monster's flapping ears and sneezing and took him to a vet around the block. He has not one, or even two, but three infections: eye, ear, and respiratory. Oh and his gums and teeth reflect his infection as they are also inflamed. What the eff!? Neglectful mother much!?

He has his medicines and I will administer them as instructed and he will be fat and happy again soon.

The reason I write with excessive detail regarding my vet visit is because my experience was spot on what I wanted. I feared I would be judged for having a sick pet, coaxed into unnecessary (per this pet owner) lab tests and procedures and then charged an ungodly amount of money for all of it. This old school veterinarian saw Bruce without a formal application and referral process (a lengthy form that fancy clinics and pet sitters require), without an appointment (someone who accommodates last minute, lesser organized people), and he was efficient, thorough, and dare I say, reasonably priced! I'm kicking myself for waiting as long as I did for what turned out to be a painless and simple appointment.

Even on a more personal note, I avoid getting going to the doctor or having blood work drawn because I don't want to know the outcome. Knowing there's a problem means knowing you need to fix it and I'm already on a whole new level of guilting myself as is. Trust me when I say I completely understand how terrible this personality trait is to my health and well being and I would never let a patient of mine act in the same way...

Anyway, here's hoping my appointment is as painless as Bruce's... If I ever make it.