Hotcold.

I feel inclined to write those two words as one. The feelings bounce so quickly and extremely that I can't seem to separate them. Having a weekend where I was able to socialize with some other bay area transplants really helped my confusion. I don't feel any less confused, I just feel that my confusion is normal and that I am far from alone in that feeling.

I just feel something in my gut telling me I need to try and make it here. I mean, really give it a good try. It helps to know that my mom could move here at some point and makes things are little more familial. I have no idea if the second I graduate I will be on a plane back "home" or not. Not being able to anticipate... plan.. is terrifying. I don't know why I feel the need to make final decisions before I even get near a bridge, let alone cross it. I need to calm down.

I think I drank too much this weekend. Or maybe it's just been a really long time. A long time away. No one has visited. It's been 3 months. Christmas can't get here fast enough. Then I'll be ready for another few month stint. I think the visits will help. I've been told they'll help.

I don't like writing these blogs. I don't want anyone to worry. It's not bad. It's not lonely or depressing, it's just intense. It's just a transition. Inherent to the word, transitions aren't simple. I love it here. The energy and buzz and the unexplainable feeling you get when you walk around and you live. I'm just trying to live.

Something changes at 6 months. Again at a year. And a year and a half. I'm told you stop thinking about leaving every two months. I'm told.

I absolutely have to stop filling my voids with shoes, clothes, and food.



With that said, I just bought a plant.

Cheers to another week.

5 weeks and I'm home. Merry Christmas!