Right here, at the end.

I've abandoned my faithful blog to attempt to keep my head above water. I am back for an update and it may be the best I've had in a long time.

I GRADUATE FROM NURSING SCHOOL IN 6 DAYS.

I started this blog to document my life in nursing school in New York City. Doesn't that seem like just yesterday? Well, it definitely does in certain ways. The anticipation and excitement I'm feeling in my stomach has been brewing for well over 15 months, but it does seem like time has flown by. I'm on the final draft of my resume (is it ever really finished?) and the submissions have already begun. I will be a nurse in NYC. I am so fucking stoked, I can't even hold it in.

With that said, I'm losing my mind. A panic attack here, a break down there, it's been a rocky month. The emotions that come along with finishing something you never thought you could actually start, let alone survive, and now amazingly to come out the other end, is just a little too much.

The prospect of not being a student; I've never not been a student. Seriously. What, I had 6 months off after my BA to get nice and cozy in a job, just to start the prerequisites for nursing school? I'm at the end. The end for now of course. It's implied if you spend the cheddar I have to get your BSN and RN, you don't just roll over and stop your education. I will be a Master's prepared nurse at some point. You hear me, AT SOME POINT. So, drop it.

I want to work! And live! And do what I've been trying to do for years and grow and love.



So, knock on wood, cross your damn fingers, and think happy thoughts. Never Neverland is just as sweet as I thought it would be.

Magic Kids save this day, please.

Holy shit. My night was so ridiculous it warranted a blog update. Due to my self-diagnosed Senioritis, a highly contagious disease process with devastating side effects, I was up at 1:30 finishing some work. If that isn't painful enough, my alarm is set for 5:10. During the night I am eaten alive. I have roughly 8 bug bites, including but not limited to my forehead, earlobe, and butt. I woke up with each bite and swatted to no avail. Around 4 I got up and got serious. I turned on my light and I'm scoping out my bed when I find what looks like a tiny mosquito eater. BOOM! I smash that fucker and blood explodes! Everywhere! My own blood! From a mosquito! All over! Oh god. So not ok.

Here I am on the bus, 6am, clenching my teeth, trying so hard not to itch said bites.

The coffee guy gave me a free coffee. He has no idea how much better that made my morning.

Happy Tuesday.

Sent from my iPhone

Got the shakes.

I think I have early onset Parkinson's. It's not really something to joke about, and frankly I'm not joking, but I have serious shakes. I'm sitting in the bed with my laptop in, well, my lap and as I move my left hand over to hit the 'a' or 'q' or anything else that way my hand noticeably quivers. I'm neither overly caffeinated or nervous. I'm a little high strung due to the endless construction next door, but not enough to have me shaking.

Anyway. Hi. It's been a while.

Shit. is. busy.

I got home from a tortuous day at clinical, headed straight for my bed, back door open and a breeze in my room... nodded off to a new book and within 10 minutes was woken up by a saw. Not a chain saw, a table saw, the kind that SCREAMS. I can never just have a minute. Never. I'm home and there is someone in the living room making noise, trying to talk to me, talking to each other, etc. I'm in the shower, someone needs the bathroom so they enter. I'm on the subway, no place to sit, no place to stand, no place to breathe.

I literally adore this city. It's my sticky sweet crush right now. However, I need a break. When life piles up, group projects, exams, insomnia, side jobs, boys, social events, shit weather, money, blah blah. It all becomes a little too much.

No space. No air. I've felt a little suffocated lately. Today was so incredibly muggy, I nearly had to get out my inhaler out. Why are there nerd connotations associated with inhalers? Those poor souls have bronchial issues AND image issues.

I'm not into writing more. Head hurts. Bad mood. Need better headphones.

Stitches

I got cut. And stitched up. It was a cyst. I'll be fine, don't worry.

Last day of freedom.

I start my senior months tomorrow. The beginning of the end. Wooooohoooo!!!!

Musn't forget my girls.

They're the best. :)

In Flo-rida.

And the air-conditioner has broken so it's 90 degrees IN the condo.
I'm lying on the bed sweating my ass off.
I've been a little all over the place. Literally and figuratively, seriously.
There are so many things to talk about and I don't want to summarize.
Ok I'll try: per usual, I can't remember where I left off but here goes...
Finals, done, starting last semester of nursing school. WOO!
Home to Cali to see Mama, Corrina get married, see Molly off to DC, house-boating with Jessica and crew, catch up with oldies and besties.
Fly to Florida via red-eye to play on the beach with Pops.

I'm about to pass out from heat stroke. Ok, that's a little dramatic but still. Yuck.

My dad got a new puppy. His names is Rocky and he's preeeecious.


Hello future employers.


Corrina married Bobby and all is right in the world. Kevin and Christy became parents on top of it. I love love.


I look like a cartoon.


Thank you, Goodnight!

74% a nurse

This is technically the percentage I've completed toward my degree in nursing and then I'll have to pass the NCLEX to actually practice as a registered professional nurse. Yikes.

This semester has come to an end. This one was quick. Painfully quick. A band-aid of sorts? Pediatrics has been passed and my Elder scores aren't up but I'm confident I did more than fine.

I celebrated with lots of nursing people today. It's so fun to have a small cohort of people to be experiencing this with... It almost makes me wish I went to a smaller college. I can appreciate that "teacher-student ratio" a little more now. Not that we have small classes in general, but there are just so few of us in the program it's hard not to know a lot of faces.

I'm addicted to vitamin water. It's bad. It's expensive and too much sugar, but so super delicious and quenching. It's summer! I sweat my body weight everyday, I need it!

Refillable metal water bottle would work just as well.

Boys are out of control in my life. I don't know when I turned into a person to be strongly pursued, but it's flattering and frustrating. I think most of these guys fall in love with potential. I have a lot of potential. I am loving the attention. Everyone wins?

No, not really.
At the end of the day, I am still just engaging in flings and nothing of substance. Substance? That's too trivializing. They have their own substance, but I'm looking for a little more consistent, holding hands, meeting parents kind of substance. Is that so much to want?

Really, I just need a baby or a puppy.
Can't afford either.

Ah, speaking of finances, I LOVE my apartment. It is seriously amazing and adorable and in the best best best neighborhood. I'm smitten.

I also have a headache from a bit too much day drinking, so I will end this here.

I'm 25 today.

I'm pretending like last night and tuesday afternoon are my actual birthday because right now I'm in the library studying for my elder final and that's just too sad to be doing on your birthday.

Blue toes.

Peds final over. Pretty positive I killed it. Woo!

Out of Control Updates.

But I cannot sit on here and type freely for the next two hours because that fact is, even this update is a total procrastination measure. I have so much to do and so little time. The summer semester is screeching to an end and as of right now I'm failing a class and have to get my shit together. Woo! And by failing I mean I have a C, but my program only graduates B+ and up students so the struggle continues.

Most amazing news, which I already shared but now I have a couple of pictures, is that I MOVED! I have a real big girl apartment in the East Village in New York City. Sometimes I just take a breath and realize how awesome my life is. Sometimes I take a breath and it's 9am and 85 degrees and the trash on the sidewalk waiting anxiously to be picked up burns my nostrils. Either way, my life is incredibly enviable and the stuff people put in books. My pretty brick building!

This was my old room. Out of view on the left is the other half of the room, looking exactly mirrored of this side, where I met one of my current roommates and shared a room with her, giving me that curiously desired dorm experience. Another thing to check off the list.

Here is my lovely new room. Yes, it does connect to the back yard/porch. Yes, the outside area is almost bigger than my room. Yes, it is AWESOME. Having your own piece of outdoors in NYC is nearly unheard of. Here's to the ground floor.

Last but certainly not least, I finally got to see my beloved Matt & Kim perform. I went to the Siren festival at Coney Island all day yesterday and had a great time. We brown bagged it on the subway because we're classy, laid on the beach, were horrified/entertained by this (please note Rodney Dangerfield is running the show), and watched a few awesome bands all in 100+ degree weather. Matt & Kim were so great and so excited to play in their hometown, Brooklyn. It was pretty epic.

Off to-do my to-do list.

I haven't abandoned you, dearest blog.

Life is busy. I no longer live in a dorm, but instead a fabulous little apartment in the East Village. I love pediatrics so much I'm considering making that my master's focus. I am at the library on a Saturday night studying in order to not fail my pediatrics course. It's tough stuff, but incredible. More updates to come. One day. Maybe soon. Maybe not.

I wouldn't let you think so.

My personal life has become more tedious and stressful than school. I haven't updated in a very long time. I think I've mentioned before my absences usually coincide with extremes in my life. I'm very happy so I don't need the support of putting my words on a page. I'm very stressful so I don't have the time to put those words down.

I've been both very happy and very stressed in the last few weeks. I should check and see the last time that I wrote in order to know when to begin again but I think it's more significant if I just start where I feel I left off...

Finals for my Spring semester were a nightmare. Long story short I pulled everything through and I am now onto my Summer semester. Even with a second degree I will not know whether it is appropriate to capitalize seasons or not.

I went on a road trip with my Mom. I miss my Mom all the time. I love our trips together because she's one of the only people, literally maybe the only person, I can spend long periods of time with and we both know when to shut up or when to laugh or when to just sing instead of speak. I love New York. I hate being so far away from my Mom. What's the point of living somewhere if you don't have your loved one(s) near you?

I went to visit my Dad. It was so nice to just relax and do everyday things with him. I miss the days of non-vacation time. Waking up without an agenda and just filling our time as the time came was exactly what I needed with him.

A dating update seems essential but daunting. I met a boy a couple of months ago and we had a good run. Things went way too quickly and we fizzled. Isn't that always the way those hit-the-ground-running scenarios go? It, of course, wasn't that simple, or maybe in actuality it was, but I gave him an ultimatum full-time or no-time and he said he wasn't ready. This was the answer I knew I would receive so there was no shock value or huge disappointment. It's done. On to the next.

Speaking of the next, or the past really, a boy that dumped me earlier in the year to date another person has reappeared. The situation is almost comical. Well, comical isn't totally appropriate but convoluted and dramatic might fit the bill. Long story short the chosen one didn't pan out the way he had hoped and so he's back for his 2nd prize. Fortunately for me I'm in a good enough head space to embrace, appreciate, but stay at a distance from the unwavering compliments and affection. To actually feel totally uninhibited with someone is an odd feeling. I have nothing invested in this person so there is no pressure. When is there ever a relationship in your life where there is no conceived pressure? The best relationships have some guilt and obligation involved because if they didn't they wouldn't stay intact. No would be at risk of losing anything. Anyway, I'm a little tired and I'm positive I'm rambling but I essentially got the apology, and thus closure, I'd been unconsciously waiting for.

On a separate note, I got a new roommate. My last roommate moved out because she isn't taking summer courses so to my terror and fright I got a new 19 year old to sleep in the same room with. I'm feeling nice this evening so she isn't driving me nuts but so far I've gathered she is a very young, extremely dorky history major with newly diagnosed epilepsy which is likely contributing to her flat affect and insomnia/hypersomnia. I knew I couldn't get out of this dorm experience without a good story.

To end lightly, pun fully intended, I am a full 20 pounds lighter than I was last summer. Emily ftw.

Fancy things.

I'm sitting on a plane. I was headed to JFK but they offered me $200
travel dollars to fly into Laguardia instead. Now I am sitting on a
plane headed to Laguardia that has been sitting at the gate for 55
minutes with computer troubles. Fucking shitty luck.

I'm feeling a little lost. I'm just insecure and resent anyone who
makes me vulnerable. Caring about someone, letting them care about
you, makes you vulnerable. I hate it. I love it. Is it worth it?

Reality begins again tomorrow. I've had off 10 days which I filled
from start to finish. I'm feeling pretty drained not because I did
anything physically draining, on the contrary, I've been disgustingly
lazy and eating enough for a small village, but being away from
everyday life is draining. A schedule, however enjoyable, that is
different than my usual schedule, makes me feel a little anxious and
uncomfortable.

I'm rambling to keep myself occupied and to avoid running down the
isle to the exit screaming.

I'm 55% a nurse.
I'm 100% pissed off and impatient.

Sent from my amazing iPhone!

Roadtrip.

Me and Mama. Updates to come.

View from the library.

That's the west village. I want to live there one day.

Weekend before finals.

Hating life right about now.

Terrible head cold and/or allergies.

Due to the aforementioned illness, I have nothing better to do than study. Blessing in disguise?

Went to a Yankee's game last night. It was awesome.

Miguel is his name and he's kind of great.

Pictures to come.

Inappropriate

I really should not be blogging right now. I've gathered my computer and heavy books and brought them to the library to be productive, but I feel like a little life update is also in a way productive so I'll continue...

Last week of classes! Yay! Time to kick it into 2nd gear (I really don't know what that means, except maybe I'm going up hill?) and ace these finals so as not to drop my GPA below awesome.

Went on a date last Wednesday and am now smitten with this fella. Luckily enough, he is also smitten so we've spent more time than I'd like to admit to together this weekend. It's just so nice when someone is so funny and sweet and nice and blah blah blah. I won't lie, I'm slightly terrified of writing on here that I am into someone because that's almost begging the comsos to break my heart.

So, we will see.

I think we're going to a Yankee's game on Friday! That'll be fun.

He's very athletic. He's very busy and has lots of friends and has lived in Brooklyn since he was 4. He's handsome and dark and if we had children together they would get the melanin I have always dreamed about having. Oh man, always getting ahead of myself.

Apparently, when I was out on Friday, I drunkenly confided in my roommate's friend that I was going to marry this guy. I think I was drunk and that these words did not come out of my mouth... and there is no recorded evidence of this statement... so it didn't happen. I am such a pathetic hopeless romantic. It's killer.

My other roommate DD just got to the library so I should be studious. She brought my laptop cord so now I don't even have the imminent death of my laptop to rush me into production. It's just so hard to stay motivated.

Another note, Mama gets here in 3 weeks! Yay for vacation! I also my head to Ohio to visit my Pops. Per usual, I have packed my vacation days full from start to finish. It'll be nice to see the 'rents.

Flaws

Nothing really needs to be said. I always think to blog right when I
get into bed. The blog via email always loses formatting.

I wonder when I'll stop being a hopeless romantic. I want to say
never, but that might lead to a life of unfulfillment- if I can't just
grasp what is in my present.

We will see!

For the future Emily and most everyone else who's reading this, I have
a date on Wednesday with someone who is terribly funny, likes to plan,
has a ton of friends, a good job, and he loves his family. There will
be a flaw. Everyone is flawed. What will be the deal breaker this
time. Now THAT is a sad way to exist. I take it back. Sort of.

Sent from my amazing iPhone!

Beautiful day.

Sitting on a bench is Washington square listening to this little jazz
band perform. They're amazing. I love that the street performers here
are so talented. This is the place to be if you're musically inclined
and these guys definitely are.
The sun is beating down on my back and I'm feeling content. Today is
my Friday.

Psych 101

That undergraduate course was a total joke. Well, maybe not an total waste of time, but now that I have a front row seat (and I don't mean to my own show) in a ward of mentally ill people, it just seems a little trivial.

This weekend and early week have been filled with lots of psych terms and theories and theorists and terminologies. Exam tomorrow.

Road trip with Mama in one month to the day!

NICH

It's been a long while...

since I have checked in with my blog.

I am currently home alone, which never happens, so I'm feeling inclined to type some thoughts out.

There's almost too much to organize and I will most certainly not put things in chronological order.

Spring break is over. School is 4 weeks until the finish line. Two weeks off, and then summer session begins. Friday I register for my summer classes and next week I register for my fall classes. My last semester. MY LAST SEMESTER! Wooo!!!

A tall dark french boy was dangled in front of me and then rudely taken away. I'm finding dating in New York City, or maybe just generally, to be a twisted game that I cannot win. If they're attractive and date-able they are either taken or decidedly not. Who would want a steady girlfriend in a sea of beautiful young people? This is their thought. Who would want a steady boyfriend in a sea of beautiful young people? This should be mine.

I have a personal trainer and she happens to be my roommate. She loves to drag my chubby butt to the gym and kick my ass. I'm actually looking pretty good. I never am a thin girl, that just wouldn't fit, but I'm feeling healthier and more toned. Just in time for summer.


It's supposed to be 80 and lightening tonight! Warm nights! Amazing!

I miss my friends. Thankfully I am devastatingly busy most of the time so I don't have time to dwell on how much I miss them, but I often think of all of them and wish they were here.



I started watching the tv show How I Met Your Mother, and I love it. It's Friends-esque and it's a real sitcom, with scripted dialogue and story lines, like the way it used to be before all this reality crap. Don't get me wrong, I can get behind a Kardashian marathon, but still...

Alright, enough of this. My procrastination has become a little out of control and even though obviously I'm not spending my wasted time writing blogs, whatever I'm doing it's not productive. I have to get it together and pull this semester off. No straight As for this girl this semester. Ah well.

True.

Sunday.

I should have written a blog last night when I was feeling a little existential and chatty. Instead, it's Sunday and I'm fairly caffeinated and feeling very in touch with reality.

I saw the movie Remember Me last night because I needed a good cry and a little more Robert Pattinson in my life. Both things were greatly accomplished.

School is a bitch right now. Not that that is anything new, but I just feel like I should state the obvious. I failed an exam. I mean, literally got a below passing grade on it. It wasn't exactly an F but you merely need a C+ to be considered failing for my program. That is ridiculous. I'm so frustrated and really confused as I thought I at least had a B- grasp of the material. We will see how truly fucking stupid I am when I go for the test review session. I pretty openly feel like there was a mess-up on my scantron and it wasn't graded correctly. Wouldn't that be amazing?

One month tomorrow until finals. This semester needs to be over. Then I am more than halfway done with my program and that much closer to being a nurse.

Savin' lives and takin' names.

Probably in the reverse order, but still.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Yes, I had my first psych clinical today. It was madness. Literally. I will elaborate after my two hardest midterms are finished. I will leave you with this sweetness: My precious girl! Love those cheeks!

Home.

Rainy.

Fold it! Fold it! Fold it!

Alright.
Just did a spin class with Ash.
Serious endorphins running through these veins.
Figured it was time for an up blog.
UP.
Up.
up.

They couldn't think of anything to say the day you burst.

Life is so much better. I'm absolutely positive 70% of my moods are hormonal and that I should probably switch my pill. That prospect makes me cringe so I may continue on this roller-coaster a few more months.

7 days until spring break. 7 DAYS UNTIL SPRING BREAK. AHhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Just a moment to breathe.

Until then, I will ace my maternity final.
After that, I will ace my adult and patho midterms.

9 more months people. Excluding breaks, 9 months until I'm done. DONE.

The girls keep telling me I'm getting thinner. They know exactly what to say to get me to the gym everyday. I have tank tops and shorts and summer dresses in my mind. Where I live, it gets hot... I live in New York City. Just in case you forgot. I forget sometimes.

If it's not Matt & Kim,

it's Passion Pit.

I just want to hold hands and eat at this bistro. A bedroom alone, a grown up paycheck, and a my own dishes are so far off it hurts. Living as if I were 19 is getting a little ridiculous. Luckily I can (legally) wash my sorrows away in alcohol.
And music.
Not mutually exclusive.

Sheet of white.

School was cancelled so I don't have to go to clinical, which is
actually what I prefer over school but still! Yay!

Hell hath no fury,

like that of a woman scorned.

I guess I am a scorned woman? That is entirely too dramatic, but I've always enjoyed a little unnecessarily dramatic syntax. I'm feeling better in general. That sentence should be rearranged to say, In general, I'm feeling better. I think it more accurately describes my feeling in the other order though.

Gym two days in a row. Healthy eating, no mac n' cheese, or chocolate in two days. Date tomorrow night with hot frenchman.

Notice how none of those things involve school work...

I did my taxes, fafsa, first draft of my resume, and not a damn thing for the exam I have on Thursday.

I think it's time to list things endlessly and rather pointlessly:

I like flossing, a lot. I do it when I go to sleep and I wonder if my roommate can hear it popping in and out of my teeth.

I voluntarily woke up at 7:30am this morning. This is not only unusual, it's almost worrisome.

I bought myself perfume on Valentine's day.

Sometimes I take long-cuts (as opposed to short-cuts, of course) so that I can soak up the tiny bit of sun and breathe fresh air and remember that I live in the coolest place in the world.

I live in New York City.
I go on dates.
I am a nurse.

Who would have thought?

I have dandruff. I've never had dandruff in my life. Is this a weird winter thing? I have no idea, but I'm seriously over it.

I want to get a bike. Before I get this bike I want to go to the gym and ride that bike and build a little tolerance so when I ride I won't have a heart attack. The idea of riding my bike to work in some amazing hospital here is pretty rad.

I have been quite a bitch to those around me lately. I blamed it on my hormones. I then blamed it on the stresses of tests. I am still stressed, not as much, and hormonally I should be jolly, yet the bitchness continues. I need to reel it in before I'm stuck in this city alone.

I want to go to shows. I need to do something other than write blogs, chat online, and check facebook, and start looking for shows to go to. I live in the best area ever to see live music from incredible local bands. I feel like I'm wasting a precious commodity.

Pictures. I should include more pictures.

Grand Street in daylight.

Why is it that when the most interesting, dramatic, tragic, or just awesome times are happening in your life, you can't find time to document them?

I sometimes think of the people who read this blog and that I wouldn't want any of them, or the strangers, to think of me lesser than awesome. I have faltering confidence. I have panic attacks, and crying fits, terribly morbid mean thoughts, and other personality deficiencies. I want to document these moments without being judged, but I feel the need to have a public blog. It doesn't make sense.

This last week was pretty insane. A friend in town, a boy who won't go away, poorly scored exams, a hot Frenchman, essentially, the things a good book consist of. Alright, maybe not a good book, but at least some trash you could buy in the grocery store check out lane.

I went to the gym today and ran. I hate running, but it felt good to hurt a little and feel my muscles burn and my throat close. I went to the store and leisurely shopped, and I thought entirely too much about things fully out of my control.

This is the issue. Thinking too much. Being out of control.

I am unbelievably busy. I'm not handling it so wonderfully. I am imbalanced and I can't fix it, or have at least owned defeat, and feel like I'm slightly drowning. I feel smothered by absolutely everything in my life. School, roommates, friends, family, weight, debt. It's not healthy.

I smoked a clove today. I pinky promised my mom that I wouldn't become a smoker and so far I have kept that promise. Even without a formidable habit, I enjoy cloves because they bring me to summer instantly. They burn a little and make me feel purposeful. They are stress-free to me.

So maybe I need to work on my coping skills. Whatever.

Boys are just too much for me. I can't do it. Dating is too much. Like everything, it's fine most of the time and when it's not, it hurts. It's just something you have to have a thick skin about and I don't have that at this point. I have frail, pale, soft skin that can't handle the crass world of dating. The deficits mentioned previously seem to surface more frequently when you are selling yourself. That is exactly what it is. A sales pitch.

A fucking sale.

It's time for spring break. It's time for summer.

I shed tears because I want it to be summer. This weekend was beautiful. I watched puppies in the park and I found an animal shelter with kittens in the window. My soul aches without animal interaction. Maybe I should have gone to veterinarian school.

Maybe he's an asshole. Maybe he's too nice. Maybe he's just not it. He's not it.

It's no pecan bar from the Depot.

But it is a pecan bar from a cafe next to an awesome dog park. (not
pictured)

Matt and Kim make everything better. Almost.

Singles Awareness Day

Enjoying a 'nilla latte and preparing for a midterm. An overrated day
that never fails to upset me. Such a shame to waste any energy on
something so trivial.

American Apparel.

Matt & Kim were playing when we walked in. There's nothing better than
shopping with good music playing.

A Serious Man.

I plan on seeing this tomorrow, on a second date. He's already seen it but he says, "Oh I saw it a while ago, I'd like to see it again." So, of course I take that as, "Aww I'm so into you I don't even care if we see Blindside." The issue in this scenario is I'm not quite sure I'm into him. He's really awesome. Easy to talk to, funny, seems like he's not entirely insane, yet I'm not totally attracted to him. How important is immediate attraction? Can that legitimately be learned? All I know is as far as first dates go, it wasn't torturous. He also has an affinity for syntax so we all know he'd faint at the site of this blog.

What can I say, I like commas?

The house has been a little more drama driven as of late. Not among the roommates, but among the personal lives of them. I am incredibly thankful I didn't move here and leave a boyfriend back home. It is all way too complicated and time-consuming. I won't say it's not worth it for either of the girls, but it is truly all-consuming.

This next week is hell. Quizes, midterm, paper, on top of the usual unbelievable schedule.

Thinking about it turns my stomach a little.

I feel like the tone of this entry is a little downtrodden but honestly I'm in a pretty light mood. Does that say something about my definition of "light?"

I'm sorry this thing never has any pictures. I could take a picture of the grey streets from all the salt being strewn about in preparation for the snow storm that never came. I could take a picture of my hair that is now a nice warm brown with black overtones. I could take a picture the tummy that I can never seem to keep filled. Who would want to see that anyway?

I really wished for the snow storm today. I have a feeling there will be another chance.

These are what keep me warm at night.

Can you see how many textbooks (excluding 4+) I am reading? Can you
tell I'm overwhelmed and don't know where to begin, and I know if I
don't just start reading any of them I will be so far behind I'll
never manage to catch up? Can you tell this is the hardest, most time
consuming, life changing, social skill killing, insomnia inducing (who
am I kidding I could sleep thru war) character building thing I've
ever done? I'm exhausted at the prospect of being exhausted. That
makes more sense to me than you. I am also pretty amazing. I am cool
and calm under unimaginable circumstances and I am going to be
Florence Nightingale the New Era. The College Years. 2. Jr. Alright,
let's not get ahead of ourselves. Off to bed.

Matt & Kim

I have an pretty ridiculous obsession with the band Matt & Kim. Seriously, their album Grand makes me pumped even when it's 17 degrees (!!!?!) and I'm crammed on the subway between a homeless person and a hot business man all the while spilling my coffee down my sleeve. It's just good stuff.

So, long story short, I'm back. I got dumped. Dumped is such a strong word, especially considering the minimal span of dating time with this gent, but none the less my ego was bruised. It turns out he was in fact crazy, and I say that only slightly biased/bitter, and that I dodged a serious bullet. It's hard to believe the "things happen for a reason" mantra immediately following someone telling you you're perfect for them and that they adore, but that they're seeing someone else. These are probably details he wouldn't like shared, but sadly for him I don't give a fuck.

Also, I have a potty mouth. I always have. Well, maybe not ALWAYS, but as of the last few years I definitely throw around the f-bomb and other equally as crude words. Living here in the land of fucks and shits hasn't inclined me to edit myself in the least. These are just facts.

I have to get it together. I have put in maybe 35% this semester. I know we're only headed into week 3, but getting behind in this stuff will make you drown and I really can't do that. Drown? Drowned? Either way, I'm not doing it! Drowning that is...

This coffee is motivating me a little.

Last night was pretty awesome. Ash, D and I went to see Eden in a little play and then we got drinks and danced our asses off until 4 am. New York bars stay open ridiculously late. No one should be drinking until 4 am. We definitely did though.

So now I'm fighting against a lack of motivation and minimal brain cells. This should be a productive day...

Waiting in this area.

With some sweet white kicks. In case you ever wondered who wears butt-
white leather Keds besides women over 65, we nurses rock them.

Stir It Up

I have an unsettled feeling in my stomach. I'm feeling a little more
cynical and darker than usual. It's just frustrating giving anyone any
kind of power. Power isn't the right word, but I've been at a loss for
words all day.

My stars are raised. The stars on my shoulder. That usually means
something is wrong. I don't feel 100%. I had tonsillitis the second
day of school and I'm thinking that's about gone. Not sure what's up.

I don't get to sleep in tomorrow and that's upsetting. I miss my cat.
She never let's me down. Unless I somehow let her down and she pisses
on the bathroom rug. That sucks.

Just talked to my Mom. I haven't laughed that hard in a few days. I
miss her too. She thankfully doesn't piss on the bathroom rug.

Rug? Mat?

For the record, I wouldn't mind marrying a surgeon and living in Park
Slope with our 2.5 children. It is beautiful there. A nice place to
work, but never afford to live.

Why do I constantly live in the future? It's a little shinier than
present.

Sent from my amazing iPhone!

Photoless

So I've returned... I reside, once again in New York City, in Union Square specifically. I wonder how many randoms stumble upon my blog. Very few if I had to guess...

I've been back a week today and this has been a nonstop 7 days. I returned to find Eden in my room (my suite-mate) with her boyfriend. She has really opened up with me and the other girls. She joins in on conversations and shares personal things about herself and my favorite part, she asks for advice. I like feeling like the knowledgeable older friend. It so rarely happens as most of my friends are technically older than I am and usually wiser.

Unpacking and settling in ensued and I have to say I immediately felt comfortable. It's just so weird to think of this place 6 months ago and how scary and foreign it felt and now how comforting and familiar it is... that includes the boisterous crowded streets below. I don't know how my beautiful amazing friends back home will take this, but since my return I think I am twice as in love with New York as I was when I left.

Home was great. It was exactly as I had planned on and I can't enjoy anything more than a plan going as scheduled. I saw lots of movies, caught up with most of my good friends, ate better healthier food in-turn losing weight, and I slept like a baby every night snuggled up with sweet Susanna. I had this looming fist in the pit of my stomach that I knew I had to come back here and continue with this daunting program, so that ruined a few evenings but was also to be expected.

I finally cracked a book. Ash and I studied some Adult health, eyes, ears, and integumentary stuff on Friday and last night I opened my maternity book. This semester will be absolute madness, but I think the curriculum will be great. I'm also taking a Professional Nursing course, which so far all we've discussed is Health Care reform and the current insurance and government programing fiasco and I'm really excited to finally have these things laid out clearly for me so I can speak to them.

The shopping begins. I bought some shoes yesterday that I am now having buyers remorse about and will likely return them soon. The weather really is bearable (knock on wood) but cute flats without socks are still not an option.

I had my first maternity clinical on Friday. There were some frustrating administrative things to take deep breaths about but besides that I had an amazing day. I witnessed, in the operating room, a c-section. It was insaaaaaane. It was more than I can describe. Watching truly skilled doctors and nurses do their thing, watching an anesthesiologist poke this poor girl over and over, a long incision, more fluids than you can wrap your head around, the smells, and there she was, a sweet baby girl. My teacher was describing the birthing process and the emotions in the room and that you are at one moment a group of 5 and then there are 6. It's just unbelievable. I almost cried, but I held it together not to miss a beat. This event made me even more confident I want to work in the OR at some point in my career. Also, this experience made me realize that "opting" for a c-section, which so many people do now, is not really a "better" choice. It's still brutal. BRUTAL.

I should get off of here and crack another book. My Dad is coming into town tonight for business so we're going to get dinner and catch up. I love my Dad. We don't get a lot of father daughter time anymore. These are the times I really try to remember.

Sorry for the delay of this post. I'll try some more mobile posts via my phone soon. Those are always fun.

Whoa.

I'm back. School started today. Had an exam at 8am and got a 95. BAM.

New boy in the mix. His name is Thom and he's cute. :)

Updates to come.

Ashley's Birthday!

NYC girls in SF.

Presh!

This lady almost got eaten last night by something scary and snarling.
I had to lock her in the house for fear that it was a jumping coyote!
Seriously, it'd be difficult to get to our upper floor back porch, but
there is a fence that could be scaled and I take no chances with my
Duece Soos. You think I could put her in my carry on? I'm sure my
roommates wouldn't mind...

Mmmm...

Mama made lunch. We went to the gym too. Healthy day!

Whenever, Wherever

It's twenty-ten. I like that pronunciation the best.


I'm feeling a little less than sharp, but I wanted to check in. I feel like I don't really have an audience so much as I'm checking in with myself, the self that will reread this in a couple of years, or months, just to see where I was/am.

This Christmas was meager in the presents department and I'm totally okay with that. I was surrounded by friends, family, and my Sass so the world was right.

New Years was calm and not belligerent, hopefully a good indication of the year to come. I couldn't solidify any resolutions that I thought appropriate to share, but there are definitely some goals I have that I plan on achieving in 2010. That's twenty-ten.

I will not only be successful in school, I will thrive in my new knowledge and become an incredible nurse.



I will enjoy New York City. I will not just exist there, I will live it everyday. I will not come to a decision about whether I am staying or not until the end. I will keep this decision to myself and decide alone.

I will love everyone I have in my life. If I don't love them, they don't belong. That sounds harsher than I mean, but I simply won't have time to mend or force any type of relationship in 2010. You shouldn't either.

I will not be so self-righteous. I will be more accepting and cut back on the preaching. This also means I will not be as critical of other's lives. This is something that comes with maturity and self-confidence and I'd really like to achieve greater of both.

Last year was an amazing year for me. I made some decisions I never thought I'd have the guts to make as well as accomplished goals I really started to doubt I could. I am proud of my 2009-self and I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm home. Being away from my Mom is the toughest part of being in New York. If I stay for longer than this next year, the trips home will have to increase exponentially or she will just have to pack it up and join me. I just can't be in this life without her.



She's making some delicious dinner for us, I'm about to make (or a sad attempt at) a fire, and then we're having our Christmas.

Happy New Year everyone!

This face is too much.

I haven't posted in a while. I'm home. I was sick and now I'm feeling better. I'm relaxing. I made straight As (!!!!). I am happy to report not a lot has happened. I mean, quite a lot has happened since I left and I'm just catching up, but it doesn't seem blog-worthy... at least not tonight anyway.

It's snowing!!!

This is exciting because it's actually snowing and not just sleeting
AND I get to leave it in 1.5 days. I actually felt really excited and
pleased and proud that I live in New York city earlier today. With all
this moping around, missing friends, and being sick, I had almost
forgotten how much I'm enjoying this city. That Alicia Keys/Kanye song
is really fitting.

Late night noise.

Lying in bed. Took a caffeine pill earlier to get some work done and
now here I am wasting time not sleeping or studying.
Thoughts at night are always the strangest. I've thought of Brit over
and over and how sweet she was and how many good times we all had with
her.

I've thought of domestic life. Of the stage I so eagerly wait for that
seems to never start. I use the term domestic to mean the nesting,
serious boyfriend, steady job stage in life. I'm not there yet. If I
were, I'd already be. If that isn't the obvious statement of the
year... But Im just implying that I generally accomplish what I set
out to do and haven't put forth enough effort to be "there."

Oh the ramblings of someone who's Tylonel PM hasn't kicked in enough
to put them to sleep but has altered their thought processes slightly.

The sirens really bothered me today. More than they usually do. They
irritated me to the point where I felt a little panicked. I have
earbuds and loud music but even that doesn't drowned them all out. I
am so ready for the peace and quiet of Marin.
I cannot wait to see my Sass cat!!!

I'm not sure blogging was such a good idea. I'm writing this from my
phone while in bed. I was hoping it'd settle my thoughts more than
stir them up.

Old friends are the best. The ones that can travel with you through
life changes. My old roommates are some my best friends and I'm so
lucky they decide to keep me in their thoughts.

Alright, now I've got to go to the bathroom. Maybe i'll urinate some
of this caffeine out and I'll fall right to sleep upon my return. TMI?
Too bad. Welcome to the mind of a nurse. Bodily functions are just the
beginning.

She made it!

Moms are the best. Christmas lights are pretty fun too.

Nails did.

I spoil myself sometimes. Okay, more than sometimes, but I rarely get my nails done.

More excitingly, my Mom bought last minute tickets and is flying in tomorrow!!! I'm so excited!

“The whole is more than the sum of its parts.”

Aristole.

I'm more fond of “The whole is simpler than the sum of its parts”- Willard Gibbs

Gibbs was a mathematician more than a philosopher. I'm enjoying scientifically based ideas more than theoretical, as of late. That couldn't have anything to do with my current course of study!

A few minutes ago I choked on Raisin Bran and then coughed and coughed, and now I have a headache. I was planning on philosophizing about the parts of my whole but now I just feel like watching Grey's Anatomy and going to bed.

Family, blood specific, is an interesting construct. Sometimes you realize just how much you can attribute to genetics, especially when you're learning how important a patient's family health history is, and also when you get to spend 4 straight days with some of your genetics. Other times, you can't figure out where you came from and how you turned out the way you are, and you realize nurture has a lot to do with it. It's different if you're raised by one person mostly. You can find clear, identifiable, cause and effect rationale for why you are the way you are. When most of your family didn't get to see the everyday stuff, and still doesn't get to see it, it's hard to find the connection. Blood. Genes. The ultimate connection?

Things are better here. I'm feeling more of a connection and sense of place. Just knowing that there are people in this city, other than my roommates, that know I exist and care whether I stay or go is reassuring. Also, being told over and over, by different random people, things like, "If you aren't feeling tortured at this point, you're doing ok," in reference to adjusting to life here, is making me feel normal. I don't know why I thought, or even if I did think, it would be an easy adjustment living here. Moving is a terrible, beast of a chore that I don't think anyone can ever get used to. You can cope and learn how to deal with it more easily with experience, I'm positive of that, but the act of leaving and embracing change just isn't easy.

Really, I did not want to make this blog about my "adjusting"... talk about beating a dead horse, but apparently it just always seems to come up.

Nothing else to say. It's Monday. The guy at the coffee shop that I go to a couple times a week recognized me this morning. You can tell when someone looks at you and sees you, and not just as a stranger. That means something, doesn't it?

A little mark on NYC. That's what I am!

70th Floor!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Outside my window.

So, maybe I'm supposed to be studying and instead I'm daydreaming out
my window. What's your point?

Fave-reds.

Today was an oddly good day. I had two sets of plans that both fell through so I ended up studying for 6 hours in a cafe. I have to admit it wasn't 6 hours straight through, D was with me so we had chat breaks.

I've felt wanted this entire weekend and I think that is contributing to my light mood. Whether it was texts or phone calls or random emails, I've felt very included and loved. It's funny how easily I can feel loved. Someone shows me 5 seconds of a smile, a word, or even just an assumed thought makes my night. That's a lot of power in other people's hands. That seems dangerous.

Jen sent me a card that reads, "If you want to get technical, Vodka is practically a health drink if you just call it potato juice." Hahaha... if only that potato juice didn't make my brain hurt so much the next morning/day.

It was an interesting night last night. I'm not going to get into it because there are so many details that need some explaining in order for it not to sound like I was perusing with a married man and I just don't have time (energy) to explain.

That paragraph is one hell-of-a teaser. It really wasn't that exciting.

My brain is fried.

I don't know why I didn't major in acting...

...We're successfully imitating the lady on the door wouldn't you say? Hah.

Us in the subway.

At 3am.

Vivid.

Just a short little blog before I really get it going today. I'm drinking Hazelnut coffee and feeling pretty good. I need to get my brain collected and focused on school. I'm running down hill at this point and I don't want to fall.

Not gonna lie, that last sentence was lamely metaphorical but I think it really applies.

I had a dream about a boy I hardly know. He lives here but he's from the Bay Area. I honestly couldn't even tell you his last name, what he does for a living, or anything but I love how my brain will choose some random person to be the star of my dream. He was pushing me around in a shopping cart. I would read into it but I am confident it was purely random.

There are fruit flies in our house because we brought home a friend a few days ago named Junior.

So Junior attracted some flies and has since been kicked out of the house. A bartender at a hotel bar made this little fellow. It seemed like a good idea at the time to bring him home and leave him on our microwave.

We're all delusional at this point. I'm not kidding.
I just read an article the other day that said 81% of New Yorkers suffer from depression or something like that. I just tried to find the article because a fact without a source isn't really a fact at all but I couldn't find it. So, nevermind.

I found socks that don't ride down when I wear my boots! So I will wear those socks and those boots today. It looks pretty gloomy, a perfect day to study Fundamentals.

Oh by the way, I had an awesome day in the hospital yesterday. My confidence is increasing exponentially! I won't include the gory details, but I will say I love my clinicals and I am so excited to get done with school and be a nurse. I can't wait to BE.

Last note, it just started raining! This makes me happy because studying will be that much more productive.

Okay, fingers crossed about that one...

Mortality.

I lost a friend today.
A girl in my program.
Why did she get sick and I didn't?
Is mortalizing a word?
That's what today is.

Hotcold.

I feel inclined to write those two words as one. The feelings bounce so quickly and extremely that I can't seem to separate them. Having a weekend where I was able to socialize with some other bay area transplants really helped my confusion. I don't feel any less confused, I just feel that my confusion is normal and that I am far from alone in that feeling.

I just feel something in my gut telling me I need to try and make it here. I mean, really give it a good try. It helps to know that my mom could move here at some point and makes things are little more familial. I have no idea if the second I graduate I will be on a plane back "home" or not. Not being able to anticipate... plan.. is terrifying. I don't know why I feel the need to make final decisions before I even get near a bridge, let alone cross it. I need to calm down.

I think I drank too much this weekend. Or maybe it's just been a really long time. A long time away. No one has visited. It's been 3 months. Christmas can't get here fast enough. Then I'll be ready for another few month stint. I think the visits will help. I've been told they'll help.

I don't like writing these blogs. I don't want anyone to worry. It's not bad. It's not lonely or depressing, it's just intense. It's just a transition. Inherent to the word, transitions aren't simple. I love it here. The energy and buzz and the unexplainable feeling you get when you walk around and you live. I'm just trying to live.

Something changes at 6 months. Again at a year. And a year and a half. I'm told you stop thinking about leaving every two months. I'm told.

I absolutely have to stop filling my voids with shoes, clothes, and food.



With that said, I just bought a plant.

Cheers to another week.

5 weeks and I'm home. Merry Christmas!

A few weeks ago...

At some random hotel bar.

Oh, hello there sweet kitten on that guys head!

Only in New York?